TIME HEALS??

"......Time does NOT heal, it makes a half-stitched scar that can be broken and again you feel GRIEF as total as in it's first hour"
by Elizabeth Jennings

I thought this quote was very important for us all to remember and to hold as a rule of thumb.

Although it doesn't offer us an inspiration that time heals all wounds per say...but I NEVER believed that for I'm living proof of the fact.

If you have a heart, a mind, an emotion left in your spirit and soul, time can not take care of such things. It is the mere passage of days, nights, weeks, months, and years, NOT a physician or shaman.

We must realize that we all walk around with our own skeletons and woes. Therefore we must try to walk a mile in another's shoes FAR before judging them from their outter appearance or behavior.

For NO ONE knows the journey they have travled, the grief they have encountered, the abuse that they endured, or the path that their lives have taken.

Judgement is NOT ours to make.
As a civilized society (of which i often wonder if we are truly civilized in the true sense of the word), we must realize that time doesn't heal all and that some may be in our lives that relive hard, grief stricken, or unknown obstacles over and over, no matter their attempt to push it to the back of their minds. The mind doesn't quite work that way, everything we have encountered, experienced, learned and so forth is intricately stored within the curling crevices and hidden spots within our brain!

Remember the HEART rules the soul. Therefore tolerance and at least consideration in the very least should be commonplace. Sad to think that it isn't. That we judge RIGHT off from outward appearances.

Trust me we ALL wear a mask...take your own off for a bit and look hard. Has time healed all YOUR wounds? Are you a perfect entity that is fit to judge others??

COMPASSION is the key to so many things, and education about a person's life the lock. Take the time to unlock the door and step inside another's shoes before you think you have them figured out or even begin judgement.

No One is Immune or Alone facing the demons we ALL own

1 Peter 5:8-9
(8) Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. (9) Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world

Dance with your Passions

Dancing with my Passions

Ctrygirl Oct 2008

I’ve been dancing with my passions,
Working to keep myself in action,
While attempting to keep an even keel
Without displaying how I feel.

For who could understand
That these woods around me stand
To keep me guarded and grounded from pain,
That I feel each morning over and over again?

Notice the snowflake and hear it fall gently,
Look at the skeletal trees bared so intensely,
Face the sunrise, and HEAR the sunset.

Always look for the light no matter how it may try
To duck and dodge and peak and hide.
Dance a little while,&do not letanything interrupt your coping skills,
Find out what it is that will
Keep you proactive and positive in your quest
To do only what can be expected…your BEST!

Creativity is VITAL to a peaceful existance

Creativity the Core of My Existence

So many upon this weary earth seem to believe that creativity is something that is a bonus in life, when in fact it is a LIFE sustaining entity far beyond explanation for some of us who exist TO create.

Be it drawings, paintings, spinning stories of interest be they fact or fiction, capturing the sunset or stars with our photography, or more self sufficient creativity such as creating rag rugs from material that would otherwise be deemed useless, improvising on how to survive on a dime and still remain happy within our daily life. Even reverting back to habits of childhood like simply watching the clouds transform into various shapes, figures and forms, following a ladybug as it travels up a blade of grass, or inspecting ant hills as they busily go about their business of preparing for winter diligently.

Creativity, ironically, is so hard to capture into words for it is a persona all in its own genre. It is the ability to tap into the mind that so often goes overlooked, and often, yes more often than not, is quite unappreciated and deemed “odd” or a sign of “abnormality” of sorts.

Creativity often involves silence, the sense of being STILL, and listening to the various directions the neurotransmitters are going and then following the path. Sadly stifling this beautiful gift of creativity has become quite a NORM among the public schools, among the masses of citizens, the media (who determine what is “art” and what is beyond their comprehension therefore deemed abnormal or the “edge of sanity” per say). What a travesty this is!

For instance I was a teacher for many years; before I could no longer work due to my disabilities, and it broke my heart so many times to view such diverse discrimination against those children who just had to somehow get that creativity to the forefront and share it with their mentors. I will NEVER forget one such child that would complete her work in perfect order and record time, and yet as she waited to turn in her paper she would doodle per say, along the margins of her paper. I being one of the “disorder” (yet unaware of what it was that made me so “different” for I wore the mask so tightly, and had yet to be diagnosed, yet knew I was not of the same “mold” as the general masses) appreciative beyond words the creativity especially from one of such a young age, would praise her and tell her that her school work was amazing and her art work something she should pursue in a drawing pad and never quit doodling along the sides after her work was done for it gave me a lot of joy. Unfortunately, the very next teacher on her schedule offered her DETENTION for drawing on the sides of her paper.

I guess the whole point of my post is simply to make others aware of the beauty and the intensity that creativity is stifled in this world, in so many areas of our life that we often fail to notice how detrimental it has become to our youth, our nation, our well being per say: for I certainly believe the “arts” of any form are such an outlet, especially for those of us who are “touched by the fire”. It is an escape, a therapy, and a form of healing for me in so many ways. It comes in thoughts, in art, in creating, in uniqueness of verbal communication, in writings, and YES in doodles along the side of a piece of notebook paper too!

I also feel compelled to tell about another coping skill that I have utilized besides the “arts” and it is NATURE!! Oh the smell of a crisp fall day, the gentle breeze against our faces, the sunset sizzling downward to bring on the night, the clouds dancing across the sky in so many various colors, shapes and sizes and the sentinel trees majestically stretching their arms above us, and at this time of year showing their BARE skeletal forms. Oh if only I could take your hand and lead you through the deer paths and the forests that surround my humble, very humble home, I can’t help but feel it would be a therapy you would pursue as often as possible. To just be ONE with nature, to dig into the soil and retrieve a plant that can then blossom in our yards, to feel the leaves crunch beneath your feet, to hear the snow drifting and landing so intricately gentle; all seem to make me realize how very small and how such a small part of this vast beauty we all are. It was put here for our enjoyment and for our health, mentally and physically, for the Lord tells us he put all we need right here for us, we just haven’t found it all yet in my opinion.

My husband and I dig ginseng, yellow root, black cohosh, and bloodroot and sell it to a very humble man in the hollers of our Appalachian area. He in turn sells it to the companies that turn it into medications and use it to find new cures for things we encounter. For instance, we all know ginseng goes for quite a bit of money per pound, but that isn’t what we do it for…we do it for appreciation of the land, for the hopes of a cure being found for some illness or another. BUT we dig the black cohosh the MOST and it goes for the LEAST…for it is used in studies to help cure cancer. Since both of us lost a family member to cancer; well, it means more to us than the money and believe me the difference in pay is VERY large between the various roots, (Cohosh being the least of all in returns) IF you look at monetary value.

But I will say this, if you haven’t tried gardening, digging in the soil to plant or reap, or just discovering the great outdoors there are many studies that show that those that DO show marked difference in their depression. That is a real study and I will find the website to post but at the current time I won’t post it unless others are interested.

It is very very therapeutic and really refreshes the mind and the spirit in my opinion. I can literally come in from a hike in the woods where I quietly and I stress QUIETLY begin winding through the woods and emerge feeling like a whole new being, able to cope, able to breath deeper and with a new frame of mind. It makes me realize the simple things are often the best things for us. Yes we need our medications and we need our therapists to that there is no doubt, but we also need oneness with the environment around us.

I also have found that I like to carry my camera with me every time I enter the woods and often find a unique or beautiful scene or object to capture in photography. I believe bps see the world through a variety of colored glasses and well, some of the pics I take I have recognized as something others would step over, ignore, or simply not appreciate. For instance I find trees that are often odd in their shape or seem to be reaching out for attention, I find sun filtering through the sassafras trees in an amazing way that illuminates not only the forest floor but also ME, I see grapevine tendrils curling parasitically around branches and brambles, I find trees with oddities in their form or bark, I discover the beauty of lichen upon tree trunks and colored fungus growing on the forest floor. I also find inspiration in capturing the wind tickling the leaves scattering them in random order beneath my feet, I find fallen acorns sprouting, hickory nuts half eaten by a rogue squirrel or chipmunk, and of course wildlife peeking at me from heights and crevices...it literally is an emerald city of beauty to behold!

I just want to encourage others through this post to get out and explore a little of their environment, take time to be STILL take time to notice the details for we are such a creative group of people and nature offers it all.

Just like the little girl who was ostracized for being an artist in her free time in a classroom, we too are often misunderstood and stigmatized, but being at one with nature (and I mean to indicate the "nature within and surrounding us"), feeling the deeply intense peace it offers, and realizing we are a small, small part of this universe, well it humbles and keeps our spirits up to be amongst the beauty.

Just a thought from a simple ctry girl who loves her hollers, valleys and mountains and has inherited the love of it all from my grandparents…and parents…it has brought me from the brink so many times and has helped me gain perspective on my problems at hand just being still among the towering oaks, dogwoods, redbuds, buckeyes, hickories and starch white sycamores.

IF you haven’t tried a nature walk as therapy, please do, you’ll be amazed! AND don’t forget the camera for I’m sure you’ll find much to capture if nothing else but inner peace. Which we all, everyone, not just bps, NEED!
With hopes that you will give it a try as a coping skill!!!

The Lighthouse

Coping and Finding Answers
I am posting this basically to vent and get some things out of my head. I am a person who really likes to write, as some of you know by the length of my posts of my replies and I apologize if it ever gets too long, I DO try to restrain myself but oh the words just keep leaking from my brain to the fingertips and almost as if i have no control!

I am going through a very very stressful time right now but I also am very good at utilizing my coping skills:or USED To be it seems,for some reason an intensely stressful situation or an argumentative or uncomfortable environment can literally send me reeling: and from an OUTSIDE source this permeates to my inner core, it comes not from my family and loved ones, but the SOURCE is not the subject, but HOW to overcome the hurdles that we often must vault, crawl under, or sidestep.

I know that stress can affect a bp....and i know it can trigger a lot of symptoms in us for I am an education ADDICT and learn a lot about this disorder....but my problem being:
HOW does one overcome when even the coping skills, the HOTLINE,the thought
and meditation attempts do not work??

When this world overruns even our ability to use what skills we do have to deal with this disorder: by its greed, its thinking always within the "normal" box (they call it anyway), the monetary obsession, the ignorance or sheer inattention to what they do to their fellow man/woman..the ones touched with creativity, unique ideas, inventive ideas, artistic ability, dreamers, creators, and on and on it goes....spurnned or looked as oddities or strange or not conforming!!

Do they not see the tree for the forest??

Do they not see the blade of grass for the wholeness of the lawn?

Do they not see the intricate details all around us??

The grains of the sand that make up the beach?

The small twinkling star that seems so tiny and far away but makes up part of the vast milky-way we all live in TOGETHER?

The delicate sound of the snowflakes as they lightly touch down upon the ground?

Oh I don't know why I am posting such things; but my frustration level is far up,
My tolerance way down,
My coping skills simply out to lunch,
And I just don't know anymore, how to take this ever shifting world,
Such changes!
So many claiming to know what is best for ALL for the common GOOD, when no two of us are alike, therefore HOW can they claim such things and then attempt to enforce them????

OH how that sounds far too familiar to days gone by when things weren’t so favorable for those of us living “outside the box”.

When I consider the rapidity of the changes that this nation is encountering, I am quickly reminded of my OWN rapid cycling, yet in human form they label it and put a stigma to it!

When I think of how I must stay positive, I must believe we aren’t being led as sheep to the slaughter or it physically and mentally effects me (SO I UTILIZE those coping skills QUICK! Be it writing, reading, scripture, quotes of positive nature, photography, beekeeping, a walk in nature which is utterly my salvation, or being with family who love me unconditionally).

At times, I can even feel my heart beating different, my blood moving through my veins, the weight of the clothing on my body along with each and every seam that they hold. Each sound is a sonic boom, each light like staring into a lighthouse bulb......

But that is just it!....

THE LIGHTHOUSE!!

The lighthouse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The ONE shining light (and ONLY one) I must turn to in times like this.
We must realize it is there all the time!!

I knew writing was therapeutic for me, now I have my proof!! tehee

In the process of just letting my fingers flow over the keyboard, I have found my own answer...the ONE light. The one that has been with me all my life and will never leave me.

I must focus on that when times such as these trigger me, and we ALL must know our triggers in order to even begin to cope.

I know my issues are not life threatening, just life altering, and for that I am eternally grateful to my Lord: for it is just a CONDITION not a curse (as some would have us to believe).

I AM thankful, yes thankful, for the unique perspectives it has lent me, for the creativity that literally builds until it feels it will burst inside me (until I release it through means such as this; writing or other forms of creativity).

I also am thankful for the best support system I could ever have in the love of my life, my wonderful husband whom without, well, much healing would not have occurred. I love him so! AND he loves me UNCONDITIONALLY!!!(imagine that!!!)

I know that no one can take away my memories and love I have within and from others, along with FOR others, I know that NOTHING can change the love I have for my SAVIOR, and I know no human or situation or environment can keep him at bay.

I also know that I am creative, maybe not in everyone's eyes and that is the beauty of creativity, DIVERSITY and personal choice, opinion, and variety of ways to express it!

I know that I am a PERSON FIRST< A CHILD OF GOD!

I know that I am appreciative, awed, and inspired by natural things around me in nature.

I know that I am who I've always been and that is different...but that is ALRIGHT for the lighthouse shines the same for us all!!

WOW writing IS THERAPY!!
Even if it isn't something others would want to read, it sure help to empty my mind where tonight I MIGHT JUST GET TO SLEEP if only for 3 hours, or 2 or even 1.....who knows?

But if you endured this post...thank you and please understand that I needed to post.

Sorry it held no knowledge or helpful advice....but wow had to get ‘er out.....that creative part of us that MUST express ourselves or BURST and wasn't ready to burst!!!
A shocked and bit relieved!

Ctrygirl 2009/1/18

PS; had to go back and change the title...DID have it as STRESS AND HOW IT AFFECTS BPS!!!! This was posted to let others know that I TOO understand the hurdles we face, that I MAY be able to offer a helping hand or a different view of how bipolar is viewed and dealt with on a daily basis.
It basically was to reach a virtual hand out and let others know that they are NOT alone in this narrow path's journey.

One of my Fav Songs that holds meaning for us all

ONCE IN A BLUE MOON

I found your letter in my mailbox today
You were just checking if I was okay.
And if I miss you you know what they say,
Just once, in a very blue one
Just once in a very blue moon,
Just once in a very blue moon, and I feel one
coming on soon,

No need to tell me you want to be friends,
Help meto get back on me feet again…..
And if I miss you its just now and then,
Just once in a very blue moon
Just once ina very blue moon,
Just once in a blue moon, and I feel one coming on soon,

There’s a blue moon shininging
And I’ am reminded of all we’ve been through
Such a blue moon shining
Does it ever shine down on you?

You act as if it never hurt you somehow
Like I’m the only one getting up from a fall
Don’t you rememeber
Can’t you recall
Just once in a very blue moon
Just once in a very blue moon,
Just once ina very blue moon, and I feel one coming on soon

Just once in a very blue moon………………………………….



(ps the pic of the moon is when it is closest to the north pole and since of course i've not been there that is not a pic i took, ALTHOUGH all others ARE unless i specify and I will specify when a pic isn't mine but public domain pic instead.)

The warmest appreciation

I just wanted to make sure that I THANK SO MUCH my dear friend "moonshine" and "the Good Dog" for they are such an inspiration to me. Moonshine introduced me to the most inspiring and uplifting blogger there is GOOD DOG and for that I am grateful. To GOOD DOG please keep up the vigilant hard work of keeping us all "sane" and looking toward that light that shines in ALL OF US! You are a special person to reach out to so many, selflessly!
And to my wonderful family and husband who without, I am not sure what would have become of me during the trials that face one with my disorder. I thank you all so much and NEEDED to say so. You are LOVED!
"so shines a good deed in a weary weary world" Dahl

I whisper to the trees, and they seem to answer me

The Trees Around Me

Ctrygirl in honor of trees;


I whisper to the trees,
My secret thoughts and inner being,


Knowing that they will forever hold
The secrets that I vividly told,


Standing majestically by my side
Giving me a place to hide


And offering an outreached limb
To lean upon when things look dim


A bark that is as tough as steel
They take in my outburst without ill will


Enduring the kicks or the punching I must release
They understand the peace
That afterwards I will endure
After getting it all out, a self coping cure


Yet I would not purposely harm one twig
And they know the honor that I feel they bring


To my life and to all those who know not
The beauty and the peace that I have sought


Beneath their spreading branches so vast
I spend my moments under the spell they cast


Of UNDERSTANDING of acceptance complete
They judge me not and do not deplete


The humanity inside me, the creativity and thoughts
Things that with other living beings I can share not


They hold me up when I am weak
The offer me somewhere to lean my cheek


When tears pour down, and sorrow comes
In my ears I hear their hum


Of internal workings so missed by others
Yet I hear their cry to be discovered


I know their value their misunderstood worth
For I too experience this same turf


Of being considered a disposable entity
When in fact my value goes on to infinity


Yet never a word they speak aloud
Internally the voice is rather profound
They speak of peace,
They speak of hope,
They speak of promise and breath of life
Yet so often they also go through the strife.


Perhaps that is why I venture to them
Each time I seem to need a friend.


And others would view this as absurd and strange
Yet I care not for I’ve always ridden that train


Of being the odd one out and so
I sit beneath my precious oak
And listen to its tales of old
Be they in my mind or really told


Sometimes it’s hard for me to discern
For so close I feel nature’s churn,


Its moody, its rapid cycling too
And yet no human can I get that through


They are also mixed mood and diverse
In their approach to this universe


So I have found a friend indeed in their presence
Amongst the trees that surround my residence.


Take a look if you dare to open your mind
To the things you step over time after time
And see if you don’t feel a connection somehow
And a coping skill that gets you through the here and now


For we all need the venting, the release of our condition
It is there in nature I HAVE to mention


For it is there for us all you see,
Our creator knew they had more to offer you and me


He placed them here for our comfort and to serve us well
But also for the times of sorrow and joy you’ll be able to tell


If you just be SILENT, just be still
And know that the trees and nature as well


Will comfort you in times of need or confusion
And not be judgmental but you’ll feel a fusion
With the quantum entanglement of this world
Where all living beings are secretly curled

Meandering and Thinking

I meander through the forest,
Looking for peace and a quiet course,

That I can utilize to take my way back home,
As slowly I walk through the dogwood dome,

Thoughts race back and forth through my head,
Not tormenting but rapidly cycling instead,

From one point then on to another,
I traverse one side of the brain to the other.

Nothing can stop its rapidity,
Not medication or therapy.

Some say just shut it down, ignore its voices,
Ignore the visuals, ignore the olfactory, its all by choices,

But oh my dear,
Let me set you clear,

None of this is by preferencial choice,
It is the hand I was dealt of course,

And I don’t deem it a curse, a punishment handed down from above,
Instead it seems to fit me like a glove,

Tight against my mind’s container
It meaders about forever,

And change me it has, it’s literally disabled,
And yet I feel my heart is still able,

To discern and to know and to love and to care
To see things, hear things, know things that others would swear are not there,

I can not concentrate or focus too long,
And never able to sit still regardless of the swing I am on,

Yet I will endure and this shall too soon pass,
For the promise I hold on up till the last,

Knowing that I am disabled and yet I remain,
The same person, INSIDE< I’m the same.
Just say my name and know
But also know there are moments I’ll try not to show,
I may appear a whole different person than you think you know,
But if you’ll listen deep inside,
You’ll know, you’ll see,
I’m the same INSIDE and always will be.

Bipolar and Me

The Revelation of a Condition

The mind is an intricate and delicate organ of great complexity to even those among us claiming to understand or comprehend the inner workings and firing of neurotransmitters. Or perhaps they claim to understand the genetic makeup, heritage factor dealing with personality, or the “class” of personality either through birth order, or childhood experiences
.
Yet I tend to question these stated facts, for they are NOT, they are theories of the mind, theories created and most likely deeply investigated by scientist who are desperately trying to assist or find an answer to such disorders as bipolar or its various forms.

Personally I am inflicted with the condition, which I DO NOT like to call an illness, for I do not believe that it is in the class of illnesses like the common cold, or flu. Firmly I believe that it is a state of being, a form of thinking and thought process, which is merely different. The notice to details beyond the scientific or “normal” eye due to nothing at fault with them barring a mind that is either left or right brained yet not FULLY engaged per say. By that I simply mean that those of us with this condition seem to utilize even the deepest and darkest areas of the brain that is often overridden in today’s society.

With the monetary focus, the insensitivity to anything “outside the box” of their way of believing things should go and being only sensitive to those things they can label, see, touch, and “logically” explain there is no possible way for them to delve into the exceptionality of anyone who doesn’t follow suit.

The answer to most is that medication and only medication can form and mold the person into what THEY believe they should be. What a shame this fact is, and it is a fact, for where would this world, this society, this human race be without the greats that came before us as bipolars' in a very tumultuous world? How would we have dealt without the poets, the artists, the LEADERS, the creators and inventors? If we were all in the same mind and mode of thinking wouldn’t we still be back in the ages of dark, where we can’t see the tree for the forest, the grain of sand for the beach, the intricate dewdrop for the rain?

As a past teacher, for 10 ½ years of science and health, I was FULLY aware of those kids touched with creativity. The ones that placed drawings up the margins of their paper that got them in trouble in other classrooms (much to my chagrin after I found out) and was praised by me as creative and unique. The ones that danced to a different drummer on their answers or their essays offering insight far beyond their years and far deeper than they would ever want another child knowing they went into the mind and heart. The ones that would bring me creations they made from natural objects and things found in nature that few would see as beauty. The ones that others shunned, that other teachers took as rebellious or uninterested in learning, or were in endless trouble day after day in their classrooms due to expressions unique or not following the planned outline they had created. The ones that came to me day after day for understanding, to share, to just vent or express themselves to, often in tears from being tied to the whipping post in various classes and various “cliché’s” of children. They simply did not fit in to the box; they didn’t form to the mold enough.


And now I find myself so in tune with this fact that it often bothers me that I conformed without a second thought. For there is no doubt, I knew at the time that I too was bipolar or touched with something rather different from those around me. For the environment could literally affect my mood and mental stability, the lights were often too bright or too harsh, the noises as if a sonic boom or grating on my actual nerves when hearing another teacher reprimand a child for something not due to bad behavior. I knew that I saw people, yes, actual people about that others had no clue or observation of by gauging their reaction, that I heard voices on a daily basis, that I too had to create either through unique lesson plans and hands on activities or through my own writing, art, or personal at home activities. I knew these things and yet tried to contort to the mold…, which inevitably led to a breakdown upon the bathroom floor. I knew that my MD had told me for almost 10 years that I needed psychiatric help yet I refused to listen, I refused to believe, I simply and matter of fact felt that EVERYONE else was different, that something was MISSING from them. Honestly I cannot say that I don’t feel that way now.

Bipolarism is not a condition to be feared. I have found through years of fighting it and then realizing that the medications and the therapy and the expression through art and creativity, improvisation and noticing intricate details; is NOT a plague. But instead I believe that it is a form of thinking, a form of neuron transmission if you will simply wired differently, simply pulling from the FIRST developed part of our brain and transmitting information from deep within our souls and hearts.

As we know the brain transmits far less neurotransmissions to the heart than the heart does to the brain, therefore how can one call bipolar a curse or a default, when the heart is what is speaking?? Isn’t that what we are suppose to do, be true to our heart and to nature that has been provided for us for a reason that we seem to have forgotten along the path to industrialization to seeking money and goods and “things” that will do nothing but rust, rot and corrode away?

Bipolars’ seem to know the most inner workings of their mind. We know the signals our body is giving us from internally, as deep as it can go. Why is that considered an oddity? Simply because the world has changed into a world of now, me, and what can I get out of this and did you see what they did or were wearing….not the help thy neighbor of days gone by, not the lend you a hand sentimentality when a hand shake meant something, not the creative period when one felt free (thank goodness) to express themselves through creations like Faulkner, Dickinson, Churchill, and oh so many more there is no need to digress on the infamous ones. If one really wants to realize how many surrounded them throughout their lives they will research just how many famous bipolars really walked among them and most likely they admired!


For out here among you are those wearing a mask. And yes we feel we MUST wear a mask. Should you not understand why; rent a movie that involves any kind of crime, read your history on how mental patients with bp were treated right here in the USA and abroad just a few short 50 years ago, look up chat rooms where bps share their experiences of how they have been treated by the masses or media. A stamp of approval is not upon our foreheads NOR do we want one. A magic pill does not exist NOR do we want one. Yes our suicide rate is higher than most DOCUMENTED that is, but what do you suppose the reason for that is?? Could it be society, labeling, stigmatism, osterization, or judgment?? I say cast the first stone, thy with clean hands.

Being diagnosed bipolar has finally let me be who I am without the mask, until I go outside the doors of my safe domain that is. Living in a small town it is “taboo” to have anything that deals with the mind as a diagnosis or a question of sanity. So I wear the mask, although it is heavy, although it weighs upon my body, heart and soul, I do it to satisfy those I come across. If I am not ashamed you ask, why wear it?
To ease the minds of those I come across is the main reason, you see we are utterly and completely aware of our effect on others, we desire …no make that NEED an environment to feel we can be ourselves, we pick up on the reaction of others no matter how hard they try to hide it…call it a sixth sense if you will, call it delusional thinking, or whatever label one would like to put on it. I personally call it blessed. I am blessed with something that yes it will need treatment and I will be on medication the rest of my life, it is NOT curable, and it will be with me always, and yes it will make me a leper among society, yet I do not care about society.

My internal workings are different and MY GOD doesn’t make mistakes, I was meant to follow this path. Be it to create or to offer a different point of view to those I come in contact with. To capture things through my coping skills of writing, drawing, journaling, poetry, photography, beekeeping, or whatever forms it may take; to capture the things that others just don’t see. Such things as the tenderly twisting grapevine tendrils around a branch, the suffocating poison oak that winds its way around the tree ever so dainty with its beautiful leaves, the intricate grains of soil and rock beneath our feet that make up the ground upon which we walk.
These are the things I speak of, the sunset sizzling down the hillside, the moon arising and reflecting that ever present light that we can’t see but know is there. The visions I have that used to scare me, I now realize are visual, auditory, olfactory and sensory hallucinations….but ARE THEY?
Again, another label MAN has created for the things I KNOW I see, the voices that I KNOW I hear beside me, the intricate and delicate touches I feel, the smells that come to me from nowhere, the skin sensations where a hug feels like a punch and the almost instant sense of a persons internal motives and vibrations that they give off.

Call me crazy, call me touched, call me out of whack, or out of sync with this world, I personally consider that a compliment, for have you looked around you lately, NO I mean really looked?? Why would I want to be disjointed into such a form? Bipolarism has touched my life for sure, not in a positive way at first due to again the media of the movie I watched when younger (although I heard the voices then too and just knew this movie was my fate although thank goodness it hasn’t been but it WAS the reason I avoided the psychiatric evaluation I so needed years earlier), One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. The title alone should describe what it did to my psyche and the reason I quickly began to form the mask at such a young age, although over the years I had to change its size as I grew, now full grown I have it handy but have begun to realize that with or without it I am no less a person, deserve no less respect, have no less right not to be proud of myself for my endurance and creations and most importantly a child of GOD than the next individual!!
I will follow that narrow path, duck or hurdle the obstacles in my way, and at the end of the day I’ll thank the LORD above for getting me through and offering me an opportunity to tap into that gold mine of uniqueness and creativity that he has provided.
ctrygirl 08

Just learning so

sorry if posts like the last one came across as ONE it was really TWO poems that i wrote a while back and just wanted to share...i'll figure it out...tehee..thanks for the patience!
ctrygirl

Perceived or Deceived and Association of the "Norms"

Perceived or Deceived?

“What exactly is Reality?” I must poignantly ask,
Although I doubt that an answer will easily come to pass.

Is it the voice in YOUR head that you call a conscience?
Or is it the ones in MINE that I call multiple consciences?

Is YOURS a moral, ethical, determinate source?
And MINE is chemicals, oh of course!

Is it the pictures that YOU view in your hand, purposely holding it so that the light is just so; places, pets, and of course of You?
Or is it the “pictures” I see without the aid of a camera without beckoning, it to comes into my view?

Is YOURS a tangent item therefore it IS?
And MINE of course a figment of mental waves, diet or meds, just a mixture of mental fizz?
Oh, of course….I see.

Is what YOU feel tingles and chills, wind blowing through your space, or just a bug whishing across your face?
And MINE would be hallucinations, delusions, or a mental case?

YOUR sensations can be explained?
And MINE must then be feigned?
Oh of course…I see.

Hmmm….I wonder….have you ever felt,
A hand caress your face,
And NOTHING is in its place?

Have you touched the tools of days of old,
And seen so many stories untold?

Have you felt the paper upon which you write,
And get the impression it is so big, it seems like a kite?

Have you stared as a stranger, appears from no where,
As if to tell you something they want to share?

Oh you haven’t sensed these things?
Therefore they are not real,
Oh of course…..i see…..

Unfortunately, I DO SEE,
That you are being a self absorbed ME!!

Not one person has ASKED for your empathy,
Some may have for your sympathy,
But not this one, I can promise you that,
For without that added sensation God has bestowed upon me,
I am not sure that I could clearly see….

Just how self-absorbed the masses are,
With things deemed normal, always walking in a perpetual maze,
Never knowing quite what will be the next craze,
Therefore they must keep up with that.

Forget the ones they pass along the way,
Or those they judge so quickly and send astray,
For the moment is fleeting, their cell phones bleeping
And missing a SINGLE moment of THAT they are NOT seeking.

It is all about the I, about the ME,
About the I WILL NOT have an open mind,
I will stay upon this chosen path, although it’s not mine.


And anything that strays its worn-out, most used trail,
Will be left to fend for itself for REAL.

For whatever would others think, if there were a possibility,
That there are some, ( just perchance), beside them, in their innermost circles!!!
That perceives the world differently, don’t conform, and yet not deemed un-NORMAL?
Again a word left to perception….or is it deception??

Reality?
Normality?
Deception?
Perception?
WHOSE IS LACKING?
WHOSE IS TOO FULL?
AND WHOSE CUP RUNNETH OVER??

Ctrygirl 11/07








Association of the NORMS


Who or What determines NORMAL??
Of this I so need to know,
For I’ve read the bible 7 times: to and fro,
And I’ve never recalled reading it there.

Perhaps it is my obsession with the actions of those inside those pages...
That captured my attention like cages,
But I certainly cannot recall,
GOD telling me to be NORMAL, at ALL???

Oh but others, Now THEY tell me so,
They tell me what I should say and know,
They tell me what is disorder and what is not,
How to tell the difference regardless of what’s in my heart.

Society SHOWS me with their actions,
Just how normal is accepted in all of today’s fashion.

Be it shopping, public involvement, church pews to fill,
Conversing on the phone, or just when to sit still.

But somehow I don’t seem to fit the mold,
Something must be broken I’m told,
For I get overwhelmed and panic inside a store
And I’m not able to take crowds anymore.

I see who sits poignantly, proudly, and puffed up on the pews,
That might be religion and faithfulness to YOU.
But to ME it's quite different you see,
here, right here, under the oak tree just the bible and me. (and GOD)

The phone seems confining, and I rarely sit still,
it’s true and not of free will.

But I have my own reasoning, here in MY head,
Whose to say YOURS is right instead?

I don’t like the materialism of this world at all,
So why would I go shopping at the local mall?

I lived half …well over half…of my life in the public eye supreme,
Perhaps my dogmatic approach to reach that has seemed,
An easy task for me from afar, but little did you know the nights of burning oil,
Of sleepless WEEKS no matter how hard I tried to rest,
But perhaps not knowing is best.

Noises on the phone seemed so intensified at times, others I misunderstand, can’t hear the words spoken,
Yet I’m supposed to like talking when I can’t see the mouth working?

Sitting still I can do if you talk of location,
But limb, body or mind are at all times engaged,
expressing words, depression, or rage,
Or simply keeping me in place.

It’s not something I control or often even realize is upon me
This so many fail to see,
For they experience the interruptions, the lost conversations,
The staring, the fast speaking, and pulled back relations.

So instead of discovering what it’s all about?
Oh no, they simply place doubt.

Instead, they ostracized through their talks and all their lies,
Their false documentaries, lumping one into many,
Affecting so many innocent lives.

But there is one that is openly and shockingly
Watching their actions from afar,
As I study from the mountain near the sky, right under the Northern star.

And learning of how human kind should be,
Nothing like half the things I read,
not a fifth of what I see.

But then again, I’M not NORMAL….
Thank you Dearest Lord,
For I and others like me,
Ours must be the Cups that runneth over…..

ctrygirl 08